This afternoon, I took part in a weekly tele-conference with some colleagues, where we quickly turned our conversation and heads toward everyone’s favorite topic: the upcoming Sex and the City movie.

It’s not just limited to the this group. Everyone, everywhere is obsessed. Last night, I went to a Yelp party, it was all we chatted about. Later, over sushi, the conversation continued. Friends are planning viewing parties and marathon nights of Magnolia and cosmos.

The culture of SATC though is something that reaches far beyond a film or a bag trend…we can’t ignore how the show has pretty much redefined dating as we know it. (Well, I especially can’t ignore, I am a sex editor, after all.)

The romantic collaborations and interventions that unfolded as the four Sex and the City gals hashed out their love lives over cosmos and brunch gave way to a new approach to dating for single women everywhere.

As this cultural milestone jumps from the small screen to the silver screen (movie premieres: May 30), we have to look back on how the show, and now the movie, I’m sure, changed the lexicon of love and dating.

“Sex and the City,” along with the introduction of dating reality shows like ABC’s “The Bachelor,” socialized dating. Suddenly everyone was talking about the dating choices others make, and learning vicariously through them. Was it OK to break up via post-it note? How young of a man can a somewhat older woman get away with dating? Who was really right for someone, and by what criteria? Dating choices became mainstream conversations in the workplace, at dinner parties and even among family members. Believe it or not, the word wasn’t always like that! This show didn’t just change how we dress and what we drink at bars, but how we live.

Interestingly, the Sex and the City social phenomena gave way to different types of online dating, as well. For instance, social dating communities exist where singles invite their friends to help them make romantic connections. They do this through dating suggestions, voting on possible dates, post-date debriefing and setting up introductions for each other. Also, coupled friends socialize among the singles, to match up their friends, who are looking for love. The idea of “social dating” is a much more “Sex and the City” approach, compared to traditional online dating, which is decidedly not social.

Something to think about as you embark on your weeks of SATC countdown: This is more than a movie premiere. It’s a culmination of the institution that changed everything.

You all know how much I *love* surveys. Check out this latest one from OkCupid.

They recently conducted a survey of 2,600 singles asking for their thoughts on older women dating younger men and older men dating younger women, and whether older daters can keep up with their younger competitors in the dating game. Here are the highlights:

- Love works at any age — 66 percent of men believe that age differences aren’t a hindrance to a successful relationship, and 70 percent of women agree;
- “Distinguished” gentleman still get chicks — 55 percent women would date a man 10 or more years older than then;
- Grande Dames are in the game — 69 percent of women believe they can compete with their younger counterparts for men in the dating scene;
- Moore is better — Hollywood Hottest Cougar? Both sexes say Demi Moore;
- Clooney cleans up — Hollywood’s Hottest Sugar Daddy? Men and women say George Clooney.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this issue!

This warms my heart.

Even with all of us riddled with insomnia over a widespread recession, a nationwide love and money survey by TRUE.com, the leading scientifically based online relationship service, shows that singles choose love over money even in tough economic times.

The results:

– 95 percent of men and 87 percent of women agree that it does not
matter if you make more money than the person you are dating;
– 49 percent of men and 36 percent of women stated they would not curb
their dating spending in a tight economy;
– 87 percent of men and 80 percent of women responded they would stay in
a relationship where their partner had substantial credit card debt or
had filed for bankruptcy;
– 67 percent of women and 66 percent of men claim they have never kept
financial secrets from someone they are dating;
– 64 percent of men and 63 percent of women don’t tend to argue with
their partner about money.

Of course, it’s possible 80% of these people are not telling the truth. But still, it makes me feel good to read!

TRUE.com’s love and money survey also found the following:
– Dating or Bust, We Aren’t Scared of a Recession. In good times and in bad, daters will continue their search for love. After the No. 1 response of not halting their dating spending (see above), 20 percent of women and 23 percent of men said they plan to spend less on eating out and focus more on romantic dinner dates at home. Only 2 percent of men and 1 percent of women stated that higher gas prices will affect when, where, and how they date.
– Don’t Worry, Be Happy, We Have Money. Of those surveyed, 73 percent of men and 68 percent of women feel secure in their current financial
situation. The majority of respondents, both female and male, described themselves as the following when it comes to their finances: comfortable (women 46 percent, men 52 percent), confident (women 15 percent, men 19 percent), proud (women and men both 7 percent). Only 23 percent of men and 32 percent of women characterized their present financial environment as negative, choosing from terms such as embarrassment, fright or horror to describe their finances.
– Let’s Talk About Sex — or Money. When respondents were asked what
topics couples should talk more about (including money, sex, marriage,
parenting or nothing), results show that men and women definitely have
different priorities when it comes to discussing sex or money. Men
rated: sex No. 1 at 29 percent, followed by nothing at 22 percent,
with money in third place at 21 percent. Women put money talk in the
top spot at 33 percent followed by: nothing at 29 percent, marriage
at 16 percent and sex ranking fourth at 15 percent.
– Donna Summer Knows How People Feel About Money. Because individuals love music almost as much as they love money, respondents were asked to choose which song best represents how they feel about money. An
overwhelming majority (81 percent of women and 50 percent of men)
chose the Donna Summer’s 1970s disco classic “She Works Hard for the
Money.” It also appears that more men (5 percent) than women
(2 percent) associate with Kanye West’s song “Gold Digger,” and are
looking for women to take care of their financial needs. Other
responses include:
– “Money (That’s What I Want)” sung by The Beatles (men 22 percent,
women 3 percent)
– “Bill, Bills, Bills” sung by Destiny’s Child (men 10 percent,
women 8 percent)
– “Material Girl” sung by Madonna (men 5 percent, women 4 percent)
– “It’s All About the Benjamins” sung by P. Diddy (men 9 percent,
women 2 percent)

– Women Will Stand By Their Man, But You Better Treat Them Right. Less than 1 percent of women felt they should pay for the first date, while 78 percent of men believe it was their duty to pick up the tab. Good
news for men hoping to keep more money in their wallet: 25 percent of
women polled found splitting the bill was appropriate, and 22 percent
of women thought that whoever did the asking out should take care of
the check.
– No Substitute for Good Old-Fashioned Hard Work. One-third of men and women responded they have worked a second job to get out of debt.
After a second job, singles responded they accepted money from family
and friends (women 22 percent, men 16 percent) or cashed in their
investments (women 16 percent, men 19 percent) to get back in the
black.

The below article was forwarded to me yesterday. It was written by Dr. Mark Rogers, facilitator of Relationship Ready a 3-day workshop designed to help singles date successfully. It raises a lot of good points, and it is something that all of us dating singles out there should take a look at.

After you are done reading, take the “Is Your Picker Broke?” QuickQuiz, and get results sent to your private email immediately:

http://www.assessmentgenerator.com/H/cRmarkrogersphd1173982975.html

The Common Denominator
In a recent Relationship Ready* workshop, an attractive, mid-30ish woman was bemoaning her history of romantic relationships. She recounted a dismal story of partners, one after another, who seemed to be perfect but turned out to have major personality flaws. Those flaws lead to her experiencing disappointment at best, abuse at worst, in a series of painfully miserable relationships, all of which had started out with the delightful euphoria of having finally found the perfect partner.
Eventually the workshop facilitator asked her, “What is the common denominator in all of those relationships?”
Listeners would not have been surprised if she had answered with some diagnosis of an underlying personality disorder in all of her partners. Her description of the relationships she’d experienced showed more than average insight, and she had obviously thought long and hard about what had happened to her. She could easily have named some common thread of dysfunction - fear of commitment, incapacity for developing emotional intimacy, a tendency towards chemical dependency - and none of us who were present would have been surprised. However, what she said shocked us all.
She was quiet for a few long moments, bowed her head, and then with tears welling up in her eyes, looked directly at the facilitator and said, “I think my picker’s broke.”
Your History of Romance
When your history of romance includes more misery than magic, more eventual pain than enduring pleasure, it’s tempting to blame your partners. It’s not that difficult to identify what’s wrong with them after the relationship ends. By that time, you can usually come up with a list of things.
Apparently however, it’s tough to tell up front, early on, during the get-to-know you phase, that a partner is going to be untrustworthy, unavailable, unreliable, uncommunicative. When they are in full-speed ahead dating mode, most partners - male and female - are putting their best feet forward. And then, when the euphoria of new love wells up within the hearts of the newly infatuated, there’s no critical assessment going on at all.
At least, not by the partners who are heady on heart-swelling. Friends and family can know better, and often they will try to dissuade their loved one from pursuing a relationship they are convinced is bad news. To no avail, of course. Opposition from friends and family only throws the new lover into the arms of the beloved, where the couple find the beleaguered relationship even more enticing.
When Your Partner Picker’s Broke
If your Partner Picking Pattern is defective, you know that the euphoric phase of romance is not a good indicator of the eventual course of the relationship.
In fact, your infatuation feelings ought to come with a Surgeon General’s warning: “Intensity and Urgency of Romantic Inclinations has been shown to be dangerous to your emotional health and mental stability. Your heart will thank you if you keep it on a tight leash to keep it from rushing headlong into the briar patch chasing any attractive rabbit that pops up.”
A defective Partner Picker won’t ring warning bells when the object of your affections displays symptoms, indicators of future problems that your friends and family can plainly see coming. If you would listen to those who love you, they could and would tell you when you’re making a bad mistake. But part of a deficient Partner Picker syndrome is becoming deaf and blind. Deaf to your friends, blind to your partner’s flaws.
If your Partner Picker’s broke, you find yourself falling blindly in love with folks you should be watching very carefully. It doesn’t feel like blindness when it’s happening, it feels like visionary clarity. But that’s just the euphoria affecting your emotional eyesight.
When your Partner Picker’s broke, you know you’ve made a mistake later on, much too later on, after the relationship has sunk some roots down into your life and heart. That’s why romance becomes such a pain-filled endeavor. You keep having to uproot relationships from the most intimate parts of who you are.
Common Conclusions
When your Partner Picker’s broke, you can look back over your history of romance and come to these common conclusions:

* I get into relationships too soon or too suddenly, as if there were powerful magnets at work.

* I don’t see - even deliberately ignore - signs that I should pay attention to, signals that the relationship is seriously flawed.

* I pick partners who have some common threads of dysfunction. There’s a pattern in my picking, and it’s not pretty.

* I don’t do it on purpose. I even try really hard not to pick partners who are bad for me. (I’m not that sick, really.) But it happens anyway.

* I’m not that attracted to partners who are good for me. There’s chemistry only with the ones who are bad for me. (Am I that sick, really?)

Bad News and Good News
If your Partner Picking Pattern is defective, there’s bad news and good news.
The bad news is that the dynamics that lead to picking bad partners run deep and don’t go away by themselves. You aren’t likely to be able to consciously affect them successfully, without doing some major work on yourself. Trying harder won’t work. Neither will feeling really bad after a relationship ends. Pain may be highly motivating, but it’s not particularly instructive in this regard.
The good news?
You can do the work on yourself. It’s really not about your partners, although it certainly looks that way. You can identify the pattern of your romantic radar and then you can retune it. That way, you won’t be attracted to or attract those partners who are bad for you. Your radar won’t ping on them, and it won’t send out a signal for them to follow to you.
The work that you need to do on yourself is maybe obvious to others, but it might not be to you. Or if it is obvious to you, you might not know how to do it. Or if you know how to do it, it feels enormously difficult to accomplish. Not just pedaling up a steep hill, it feels like climbing Mt. Everest. It’s hard work, always, and you can’t do it by yourself, hardly ever, but it IS doable. It’s only hard, not impossible. And the tasks are straightforward, if difficult.
Repairing Your Romantic Radar
To repair a broken Partner Picker - and retune your romantic radar - you need to accomplish three things:

* Identify what your dynamics (not your deliberate intentions, your underlying dynamics) are looking for.

* Reframe that search, changing it from “Finding the perfect partner” to “Fully growing myself up emotionally.”

* Begin maturing your insides, the part(s) of you that are trying to solve by partnering what can only be fulfilled by becoming an emotional adult.

If the second and the third points sound strange to you, then you are normal. Most folks don’t know - even in this highly psychologized culture - about the connections between romance and emotional development.
That connection and the steps you can take to retune your romantic radar are the central themes of Relationship Ready, Pathways’ enormously successful experience-based training for singles. If you have had enough of picking partners who turn out to be bad for you, if you have collected a critical mass of misery in romance, or if you have had your fill of friends and family doing relationship interventions on you, you deserve what you can get from Relationship Ready.

A fun survey of 5,000 singles passed along to me from our friends at OKCupid about how they approach first dates:

- Be courteous, and wear deodorant: 46% of singles say body odor is the biggest first date no-no.

- No need for a sobriety test: 42% of singles don’t drink on a first date.

- Failure to Launch, Part II?: 27% of singles want to know right away if their date still lives with their parents.

- Loose lips, better dates?: 82% of singles would rather have a date who talks too much than doesn’t talk enough on the first date.

Not too long ago, I did a piece for SheKnows on the power of pheromones and other physical/chemical attractants in the mating game.

We probably all grew up with dads who had a Playboy stash, or moms who would giggle over television hunks. (Desperate Housewives was coined for a reason!) And we all remember the episode of Friends that called upon the The List of Five — the concept being you’re entitled to come up with a list of five celebrities who, in the unlikely event you were ever able to hook up with them, you would be forgiven (by your significant other) for said hook up.

These threads all come from different fabrics, but they are related to the concept of attraction and fantasy - and I think that’s just fine. Fantasies add excitement to what can be a pretty doldrum routine, and as long as never acted on, are harmless. In fact, I will go as far as to say they are beneficial.

If you have been in a relationship for several years, things while sweet and fun may start to feel a little routine. But when you start developing a crush on someone else, you are instantly reminded of your own sensuality. You have hotter dreams, you get those sudden tingly feelings of anticipation that you know you won’t follow through on, and that makes then even the more naughty and exciting. You know you don’t actually want to be with this person for real. But isn’t it still fun?

Crushes can spice up your fantasy life, which can be just the fuel your relationship needs to get hot (or hotter). Plus, a little window into your own sexiness may make you feel more confident with your mate - which will bode well for your relationship. You’ll smile more, you’ll steam up faster - and as long as it stays an innocent mental exercise and never enters reality - may just be a dose of healthy fuel.

As for “the list” - the list of five freebies - cheating loopholes, if you will - I wonder how many of us actually have such a concept jotted down - and who would actually follow through with it?

According to a new survey from AXE Vice men’s grooming products, many girls may be a whole lot naughtier than they’ll have you believe. To introduce AXE Vice, full of forbidden fruits for a fragrance that turns nice girls naughty, AXE partnered with Impulse Research Corporation to ask 1,044 women, aged 18-30, about their mischievous sides. Impulse also surveyed 200 additional women, aged 18-30, in 10 top U.S. cities to determine the naughtiest cities in the land. The results? Well, read for yourself …NICE GIRLS’ NAUGHTY LITTLE SECRETS

– Almost nine out of 10 women (87 percent) consider themselves to be
nice, but more than eight out of 10 (83 percent) of those same nice
girls admit they also have a naughty side
– Eight out of 10 women (81 percent) admit that they have fantasized
about hooking up with a guy friend
– Almost eight out of 10 women (79 percent) would consider using
handcuffs or a blindfold during an intimate encounter with a guy
– More than half of women (52 percent) have already used handcuffs or a
blindfold during an intimate encounter with a guy
– More than half of the women (51 percent) have hooked up with a guy
they met that same day/night
– More than one-third of the women (35 percent) have gone to a bar
without wearing underwear

GRANDPA’S 80TH BIRTHDAY PARTY?

– When asked about the naughtiest place where they had hooked up with a
guy, women revealed 275 different locations, including: back of an
ambulance, bathroom at Grandpa’s 80th birthday party, chicken factory,
Christmas tree farm, family reunion, laundromat, retirement home,
nun’s car and the Eiffel Tower

TRICK OR TREAT!?

– More than half (55 percent) of women believe Halloween is an excuse
for girls to act or dress naughty
– More than one-third (39 percent) of women have worn a naughty costume
for Halloween

NAUGHTY TOWN, USA

– Looking for the naughtiest girls in the U.S.? You had better hit the
coasts. When asked seven questions to determine their level of
naughtiness, women in Los Angeles and Miami proved to be the
naughtiest, while those in Detroit and Chicago are some of the nicest

Surveyed Cities from Naughtiest to Nicest

1. Los Angeles 5. Phoenix 9. Chicago
2. Miami 6. Houston 10. Detroit
3. New York City 7. Dallas
4. Atlanta 8. Philadelphia

Forbidden Fruit …

– Almost all women (95 percent) would rather endure the pain of a
Brazilian bikini wax than hook up with a guy that smells bad. Ouch!

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are currently 92 million single adults living in the United States. Whether you are suddenly single or you can’t even remember your last date, some of these stats from a recent Engage.com study may shock you. The Engage report, available at http://blog.engage.com/ highlights what it’s really like to be single in 2008, including the emergence of new ways of dating using social media, what to expect from a first date, and how gender impacts attitudes toward love and sex in the single world.

Single state of mind

• o Twenty-two percent of singles can’t remember the last time they went on a date. Another 22 percent went dateless throughout 2007.
• o More than 50 percent of single women surveyed felt a man should pick the venue for a first date and do the driving, but only eight percent felt a man should bring a gift on a first date.
• o Forty-nine percent of women said they never pay for a date
• o Almost one in three singles had a “friend with benefits” in 2007, and 33 percent reported “hooking up” with someone last year.
• o Twenty-eight percent of singles who date online say a married person contacted them on an online dating service or social network for dating purposes.
• o Ten percent of singles admitted dating someone who was married, or in a committed relationship, last year.

· Single and searching for love

• Many singles (68 percent) report they are interested in falling in love and getting married in the next five years. Younger singles (ages 18 – 39) were the most likely to say they were “extremely interested,” while older singles, (age 50 and above) were the most likely to say they were “Not at all interested.”
• Thirty percent of singles are not optimistic they will find the relationship they are seeking this year. Overall, women surveyed were more optimistic than were men.
• o Singles are more likely to think they will meet their future spouse through an introduction from a friend, co-worker, or family member, than through any other means.

A lot of us are (ahem) looking for a place to live. And we may be tempted to jump on the first affordable studio anywhere near a subway that allows inhabitation of adorable little pups.

But…wait! You want to consider who you will run into when getting your morning coffee or evening martini, and help is on the way.

I’ve just discovered Cyberhomes.com, a new online property information site that gives you a look into the singles make-up of your zip code. Just type in your address or zip code at Cyberhomes.com and you will get back information on the percent of married/single/divorced people in your neighborhood, the median age range and even the male/female ratio in your particular zip code! Dig even deeper to find the breakdown of political party dominance (if your looking for a right or left-wing hottie) and average level of education.

Dating is pretty daunting…knowing you have a great shot of finding your other half right in your backyard is great way to get a headstart.

Recently as I sat on the subway, I leafed through a new dating guide, Date Decoder. Some of the most interesting material, though, I think applies just as much to questionable friends as mates.

Take a look. I bet each and every one of you know someone at least some of this applies to! Interestingly enough, the seven “deadly sins” can sometimes be a *good* thing, depending on how they manifest themselves.

Greed
Negative: Chooses friends for what they can provide. Never pays for anything; tries to avoid the check
Positive: Wants the best of everything, but is sensitive to others’ strained resources—invites them over for dinner instead of going out

Pride
Negative: Condescending; belittles others
Positive: Acknowledging value (of relationship, as well as contribution) person brings to the world

And an important variation of pride,

Vanity
Negative: Only hangs out with beautiful people, or only hangs out with people who are less attractive so he appears more attractive
Positive: Gives compliments that help bolster others’ self image, so they never feel less-than

Envy
Negative: Minimizes accomplishment of friends
Positive: Asks for pointers to improve his game, their finances, and so on

Gluttony
Negative: Drinks too much, eats to much, smokes too much…
Positive: Not afraid to enjoy things to the fullest

Lust
Negative: Constantly hitting on women he shouldn’t be hitting on; women can’t be friends, they are all possible lovers
Positive: Flirting without intention, making a woman feel better about her attractiveness without hitting on her

Anger
Negative: Bullying; dominates friends so they are afraid to say anything to him
Positive: Engages in animated disagreement aimed at a resolution, shows respect

Sloth
Negative: Rather than go anywhere, he tells people to come over—and bring something.
Knows nothing about his friends, because he makes no emotional investment; friends are just bodies in his life.
Positive: Relaxes; sits and listens to friends—not “on” all the time