Sometimes readers and colleagues ask me what I believe are the most important factors in a healthy relationship. As a sex writer, I believe they assume they know what I will say. Not so much.

Sex (and its partners, attraction/passion) are vital to keeping the magic alive in a relationship.

But you know what? Without:

1. Trust
2. Friendship
3. Respect

That sexual compatibility just won’t be enough.

I think we all have had people we are sexually simpatico with, where the rest of the relationship is lacking. Ripping each other’s clothes off in discreet locales and knowing more positions than the Kama Sutra - sure it’s hot. Sure it makes you a “fun” couple. But it’s also a smoke screen for many of the other parts of your love life that may be lacking. Do you communicate well? Do you have common interests? Do you respect each other’s thoughts and feelings? Maybe the reason you are having so much sex is because there’s nothing else you are good at doing together.

And, of course, there’s the opposite problem: The relationship where you are basically feeling the brotherly-sisterly vibe, and sex is routine and mundane (or bad or nonexistent). Sure, you have fun hanging out, watching TV, gabbing over sushi. But you have friends for that stuff. That ain’t a great relationship either.

My point here? It’s like when you are baking brownies - leave out an ingredient, it just ain’t going to come out right, no matter how premium the stuff that does make it into the bowl may be.

Sex is hugely important - but its role is intrinsically linked to all the other important facets. Is yours a relationship where you communicate your thoughts and feelings regularly…or let problems fester? Do you do what your mate wants to do just to avoid conflicts or arguments? Or are you an equal partner? When all these ducks are in order, the sex is even hotter, and the feelings, even better.

My mom has a theory that men don’t mature past the age of 12. I choose to disagree, because some of my favorite minds are of the male persuasion. That said, even they have their quirks.

I am beginning to think though that the few defy this categorization are just lucky, and the the majority are, well, pretty damn damaged.

Case in point: A friend texted me last night while I was out to dinner. She was devastated.

Apparently, her boyfriend of about two years invited her over Wednesday night, where they shared a bottle of champagne, made dinner together, and she spent the night. It was romantic, they had a great time, (for the record, they had a great time *twice*), and then in the morning they said their goodbyes and went to work.

By about lunch time, she received a text from him (a text!) that he needed to experience “being alone” for a while and wanted space, and they could arrange some time this weekend for her to collect the stuff she had at his place. No warning, no argument, he just “wants to be alone”.

Apparently, his best friend recently became single, and thus he now had the option for them to be single guys together. For some reason, this seems to motivate men - positively and negativity - we’ve noticed before in our own crowd. Men love to be coupled when their friends are coupled, but the vice-versa is just as true.

So, the message here? If you have one of the good ones, hold on to him. But be careful, sometimes the good ones can suddenly jump up and bite you in the ass as well. (And not in the good way…alas.)