Men: Interested in a life of constant arguing, withering stares, and no sex? Just keep using these phrases!

(From a recent issue of Men’s Health magazine.)

Forbidden Phrase #1: “Relax.”It might seem logical to you to tell a woman who’s freaking out to relax. And if “logical” meant the same thing as “stupidest idea ever,” you’d be correct. Understand, a woman screaming and carrying on in anger or frustration or panic thinks that her response is 100 percent appropriate. If the inciting situation has anything to do with you, she feels she has a responsibility to freak out extra to compensate for your maddening calm.

Forbidden Phrase #2: “I love you.” (During a fight)

In movies, “I love you” is usually employed by men during I-love-you–appropriate situations–sex, walks on the beach, airport reunions. In real life, a woman hears “I love you” most often at that point in a fight when she desperately wants to get to the heart of the issue, and when you desperately want to stop this nonsense and watch Alias–which you don’t normally even watch. When you don’t call or forget our birthdays and stand there in the face of our rage and crushing disappointment, do you really believe that merely stating the powerful existence of your love is going to make everything okay? Because it’s not.

Forbidden Phrase #3: “It’s up to you.” A.K.A. “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”

Relationships are full of decisions. You decide where to eat, where to go on vacation, where to send your child to preschool. Most men wouldn’t dream of looking at their girlfriend and saying, “You know what? I just don’t care.” They would, however, say, “It’s up to you.” And find themselves in a world of hurt they never saw coming.

Men think of decision-making as work without pay. For women, it’s like window-shopping for life’s possibilities, and we want you to help us shop. So when you say, “It’s up to you,” we feel abandoned. Say . . . “I could definitely do A or B, but I’m not crazy about C. What are you thinking?” This shows you’re listening, suggests you care, and gets you out of deciding.

Forbidden Phrase #4: “You knew I was this way when you met me.”

Well, the truth is that we didn’t. Or we knew deep down, but we were so busy enjoying our fantasy of you that we chose to ignore what was really there. It’s not your fault. It’s just that when we were little, we spent so much time daydreaming about having the perfect life. Now that we’re actually in grown-up life, we can’t turn off our daydreaming switch.

Telling a woman, “You knew I was this way when you met me” is like saying the way your life is right now is the way it’s going to be forever and ever. And that may well be true–in many wonderful and not-so-wonderful ways. But if she were to accept that, a little part of her would die.

Say . . . “It frustrates me, too–and I’m working on it.” It’s a lie. That’s okay.

Forbidden Phrase #5: (Nothing)

At times, you may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You may think, If I just keep my mouth shut, I’ll be okay. Well, no. Imagine you’re pitching in a baseball game in which there is no hitter, not even a catcher. You would not enjoy that. Imagine yourself, head hanging, going to retrieve the ball yourself and, once again, throwing it to no one. That’s how we feel when you don’t talk to us.

Say . . . Anything. Throw the ball back. Throw it badly. Even risk throwing a wild pitch and letting her take an extra base. But keep your head in the game.

According to a new survey from AXE Vice men’s grooming products, many girls may be a whole lot naughtier than they’ll have you believe. To introduce AXE Vice, full of forbidden fruits for a fragrance that turns nice girls naughty, AXE partnered with Impulse Research Corporation to ask 1,044 women, aged 18-30, about their mischievous sides. Impulse also surveyed 200 additional women, aged 18-30, in 10 top U.S. cities to determine the naughtiest cities in the land. The results? Well, read for yourself …NICE GIRLS’ NAUGHTY LITTLE SECRETS

– Almost nine out of 10 women (87 percent) consider themselves to be
nice, but more than eight out of 10 (83 percent) of those same nice
girls admit they also have a naughty side
– Eight out of 10 women (81 percent) admit that they have fantasized
about hooking up with a guy friend
– Almost eight out of 10 women (79 percent) would consider using
handcuffs or a blindfold during an intimate encounter with a guy
– More than half of women (52 percent) have already used handcuffs or a
blindfold during an intimate encounter with a guy
– More than half of the women (51 percent) have hooked up with a guy
they met that same day/night
– More than one-third of the women (35 percent) have gone to a bar
without wearing underwear

GRANDPA’S 80TH BIRTHDAY PARTY?

– When asked about the naughtiest place where they had hooked up with a
guy, women revealed 275 different locations, including: back of an
ambulance, bathroom at Grandpa’s 80th birthday party, chicken factory,
Christmas tree farm, family reunion, laundromat, retirement home,
nun’s car and the Eiffel Tower

TRICK OR TREAT!?

– More than half (55 percent) of women believe Halloween is an excuse
for girls to act or dress naughty
– More than one-third (39 percent) of women have worn a naughty costume
for Halloween

NAUGHTY TOWN, USA

– Looking for the naughtiest girls in the U.S.? You had better hit the
coasts. When asked seven questions to determine their level of
naughtiness, women in Los Angeles and Miami proved to be the
naughtiest, while those in Detroit and Chicago are some of the nicest

Surveyed Cities from Naughtiest to Nicest

1. Los Angeles 5. Phoenix 9. Chicago
2. Miami 6. Houston 10. Detroit
3. New York City 7. Dallas
4. Atlanta 8. Philadelphia

Forbidden Fruit …

– Almost all women (95 percent) would rather endure the pain of a
Brazilian bikini wax than hook up with a guy that smells bad. Ouch!

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are currently 92 million single adults living in the United States. Whether you are suddenly single or you can’t even remember your last date, some of these stats from a recent Engage.com study may shock you. The Engage report, available at http://blog.engage.com/ highlights what it’s really like to be single in 2008, including the emergence of new ways of dating using social media, what to expect from a first date, and how gender impacts attitudes toward love and sex in the single world.

Single state of mind

• o Twenty-two percent of singles can’t remember the last time they went on a date. Another 22 percent went dateless throughout 2007.
• o More than 50 percent of single women surveyed felt a man should pick the venue for a first date and do the driving, but only eight percent felt a man should bring a gift on a first date.
• o Forty-nine percent of women said they never pay for a date
• o Almost one in three singles had a “friend with benefits” in 2007, and 33 percent reported “hooking up” with someone last year.
• o Twenty-eight percent of singles who date online say a married person contacted them on an online dating service or social network for dating purposes.
• o Ten percent of singles admitted dating someone who was married, or in a committed relationship, last year.

· Single and searching for love

• Many singles (68 percent) report they are interested in falling in love and getting married in the next five years. Younger singles (ages 18 – 39) were the most likely to say they were “extremely interested,” while older singles, (age 50 and above) were the most likely to say they were “Not at all interested.”
• Thirty percent of singles are not optimistic they will find the relationship they are seeking this year. Overall, women surveyed were more optimistic than were men.
• o Singles are more likely to think they will meet their future spouse through an introduction from a friend, co-worker, or family member, than through any other means.

“Sometimes me think, what is love? And then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you.”

So said Cookie Monster, who turned out to be quite the wise sage. The inherent concept is a great gauge of our relationships, their frailties, and how confident we feel within them. While I’d freely give my last cookie away…I can’t think of anyone at all who would do that for me. Even those who profess to love me. And doesn’t that pretty much says it all?

Which brings us to the question: Is it wrong to let that bother us? Should we love freely, and not let ourselves be bogged down by some great big blackboard tally? Is generosity something that should be metered in return value? Is that just bad karma? Or is it only fair — and justified - to want to be cared about as much as we care? To get out of the universe what we put into it?

I like to think we can propel that magic big cookie to be returned by ourselves doling out the biggest, fudgiest one we can. But that just may be setting me up for a bigger disappointment, ultimately.

Oh well. Who needs cookies anyway.

A lot of us are (ahem) looking for a place to live. And we may be tempted to jump on the first affordable studio anywhere near a subway that allows inhabitation of adorable little pups.

But…wait! You want to consider who you will run into when getting your morning coffee or evening martini, and help is on the way.

I’ve just discovered Cyberhomes.com, a new online property information site that gives you a look into the singles make-up of your zip code. Just type in your address or zip code at Cyberhomes.com and you will get back information on the percent of married/single/divorced people in your neighborhood, the median age range and even the male/female ratio in your particular zip code! Dig even deeper to find the breakdown of political party dominance (if your looking for a right or left-wing hottie) and average level of education.

Dating is pretty daunting…knowing you have a great shot of finding your other half right in your backyard is great way to get a headstart.

My regular readers may be shocked to learn that this frolicking writer of all things sexy and social still lives with her parents at the ripe old age of twentysomething. Part out of economics, part of out of circumstance, my blonde self is still tucked away in my childhood pink-walled bedroom and has to call Mommy with status updates of my whereabouts at incessant intervals.

And the the thing is, I believe my parents, the “nesters”, like it like that.

Last year, my mom adopted two puppies, and is currently eagerly hoping for them to “make her a grandmother” - often pointing out it is because I have not. She navigates through extremes of wanting me to stay her little girl forever (even as she comes to me with questions of Brazilian waxes) and wanting to marry me off to the suburbs and 2.5 children.

I believe her need to either -a: maintain my childhood, or b: breed replacement children/grandchildren, is part of the fear of growing old, and being abandoned. My parents spend a lot of their time and energy focusing on their kids - to a somewhat stalker-like degree - and the absence of the obsessive subject may lead to, well, boredom. New hobbies would have to be born…or, bred, as the case may be.

And that is a blessed thing.

While I’m not entirely comfortable with the image of my parents getting jiggy on the living room sofa with QVC in the background…I sure as hell am excited it will mean I can have my own jiggyness interruption free.Now back to that real estate section.

Recently as I sat on the subway, I leafed through a new dating guide, Date Decoder. Some of the most interesting material, though, I think applies just as much to questionable friends as mates.

Take a look. I bet each and every one of you know someone at least some of this applies to! Interestingly enough, the seven “deadly sins” can sometimes be a *good* thing, depending on how they manifest themselves.

Greed
Negative: Chooses friends for what they can provide. Never pays for anything; tries to avoid the check
Positive: Wants the best of everything, but is sensitive to others’ strained resources—invites them over for dinner instead of going out

Pride
Negative: Condescending; belittles others
Positive: Acknowledging value (of relationship, as well as contribution) person brings to the world

And an important variation of pride,

Vanity
Negative: Only hangs out with beautiful people, or only hangs out with people who are less attractive so he appears more attractive
Positive: Gives compliments that help bolster others’ self image, so they never feel less-than

Envy
Negative: Minimizes accomplishment of friends
Positive: Asks for pointers to improve his game, their finances, and so on

Gluttony
Negative: Drinks too much, eats to much, smokes too much…
Positive: Not afraid to enjoy things to the fullest

Lust
Negative: Constantly hitting on women he shouldn’t be hitting on; women can’t be friends, they are all possible lovers
Positive: Flirting without intention, making a woman feel better about her attractiveness without hitting on her

Anger
Negative: Bullying; dominates friends so they are afraid to say anything to him
Positive: Engages in animated disagreement aimed at a resolution, shows respect

Sloth
Negative: Rather than go anywhere, he tells people to come over—and bring something.
Knows nothing about his friends, because he makes no emotional investment; friends are just bodies in his life.
Positive: Relaxes; sits and listens to friends—not “on” all the time

This weekend, my infant pups, Scarlette and Max went for their final round of booster shots (they are finally tag-wearing public-allowed pups!), and ran into their brother Ronie, who now lives with a family friend.

I had not seen Ronie since his adoption over a month ago, and we were both thrilled to be reunited. In fact, little Ronie was so excited to see me that he peed! He then went on to exuberantly lick my face to the extent that Max got jealous and started to growl at him. Scarlette just sat under the bench and cried.

Far be it for me to wish for the day that human males are so enamored with me that they pee on sight (flattering yes, but the ick factor would perservere).  Really, though, such an overwhelming show of adoration makes those men who can’t remember to return phone calls or show interest in anything outside of their own head seem pretty less than stellar. Misandronist females like to claim sometimes that men are dogs. I disagree. I think, in actuality, men have a lot to learn from dogs.

I present:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

Dogs don’t criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous. (And if they do, they don’t think it makes them inherently better than other dogs.)

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don’t correct your stories.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

(Feel free to add to the list!)

Sometimes readers and colleagues ask me what I believe are the most important factors in a healthy relationship. As a sex writer, I believe they assume they know what I will say. Not so much.

Sex (and its partners, attraction/passion) are vital to keeping the magic alive in a relationship.

But you know what? Without:

1. Trust
2. Friendship
3. Respect

That sexual compatibility just won’t be enough.

I think we all have had people we are sexually simpatico with, where the rest of the relationship is lacking. Ripping each other’s clothes off in discreet locales and knowing more positions than the Kama Sutra - sure it’s hot. Sure it makes you a “fun” couple. But it’s also a smoke screen for many of the other parts of your love life that may be lacking. Do you communicate well? Do you have common interests? Do you respect each other’s thoughts and feelings? Maybe the reason you are having so much sex is because there’s nothing else you are good at doing together.

And, of course, there’s the opposite problem: The relationship where you are basically feeling the brotherly-sisterly vibe, and sex is routine and mundane (or bad or nonexistent). Sure, you have fun hanging out, watching TV, gabbing over sushi. But you have friends for that stuff. That ain’t a great relationship either.

My point here? It’s like when you are baking brownies - leave out an ingredient, it just ain’t going to come out right, no matter how premium the stuff that does make it into the bowl may be.

Sex is hugely important - but its role is intrinsically linked to all the other important facets. Is yours a relationship where you communicate your thoughts and feelings regularly…or let problems fester? Do you do what your mate wants to do just to avoid conflicts or arguments? Or are you an equal partner? When all these ducks are in order, the sex is even hotter, and the feelings, even better.

It’s super hard not to give in to the temptation to make this a negative post, because, let’s face it - being single sort of can suck at times. It’s the events you feel like a sore thumb at because you don’t have a date and all your single-guy-friends were busy. It’s the Valentines Days and New Years Eve that you spent home with your dog. It’s the sitting around with their girlfriends, as they talk about their miserable relationships, and finding yourself JEALOUS.

Yes, being single can suck. It’s why a lot of people stay in bad relationships. I have a friend who has broken up with her boyfriend more times this year alone than I’ve gone shoe shopping. (Um, that’s a lot.) They are still together. Are they happy? I don’t think so. But when push comes to shove, they both fear the alternative.

That’s not to say this is a healthy way of living. To love oneself, and be happy with oneself is paramount before being happy with anyone else. We all claim to know this, and appreciate this. Yet, we keep on finding excuses to ignore this and be sad that we are alone. Sad we have no one to cuddle with or smooch with or just feel in sync with.

But, guess what? It’s times like that that we must remind ourselves of all the awesome things about our lives:

1 - Single people don’t have to “check” with their other half about plans. They want to do something, they make a plan. No one else’s schedule matters.

2 - Want to not shave your legs? Feel like leaving the bed unmade? Well, chances are no one will see it, it doesn’t matter!  (Note, this is not an excuse for forgoing hygiene. Then you will just *stay* single.)

3 - Loving yourself! Date yourself for a bit! Take yourself out to dinner, watch TV, listen to the music you want - get to know yourself and what you like so you’ll know what you want and need and like before you STOP being single.

This list is hard to make. As a single, I am trained to not want to be single, and thus, shun all the “good” things about it. But they are out there - and the sooner you remind yourself of that, the less likely you are to jump into (or back into) the next crappy relationship.