You all know how much I *love* surveys. Check out this latest one from OkCupid.

They recently conducted a survey of 2,600 singles asking for their thoughts on older women dating younger men and older men dating younger women, and whether older daters can keep up with their younger competitors in the dating game. Here are the highlights:

- Love works at any age — 66 percent of men believe that age differences aren’t a hindrance to a successful relationship, and 70 percent of women agree;
- “Distinguished” gentleman still get chicks — 55 percent women would date a man 10 or more years older than then;
- Grande Dames are in the game — 69 percent of women believe they can compete with their younger counterparts for men in the dating scene;
- Moore is better — Hollywood Hottest Cougar? Both sexes say Demi Moore;
- Clooney cleans up — Hollywood’s Hottest Sugar Daddy? Men and women say George Clooney.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this issue!

Summertime is historically mating season, and a lot of women are out to meet “the one”.

Yahoo! Personals and TheKnot.com recently conducted a survey of more than 9,500 U.S. women to find out about how they met “the one.” They polled them on everything from how similar they were to their mate in some fundamental areas (turns out to be very similar!) to the kinds of things that matter most (closeness to family came in first; income last).

They also analyzed responses based on whether people met their mate online vs. offline and saw an interesting trend emerge. The online daters reached “relationship milestones” much more quickly than those who met offline!

Finding “The One” – Perception vs. Reality

- When asked, how did you meet your significant other, the most frequent response was “through friends,” followed by “school,” “work” or “an online dating site.” Among the least cited responses were “at a bar” or “at church.”

- When asked how you expected to meet your significant other, responses varied from the reality, with the largest majority of respondents saying they expected to meet through a “casual encounter.”

Do Opposites Attract?

- When asked, how similar they were to their significant other in some fundamental areas, respondents overwhelming said they were similar in all but one area – their profession. The following percentages represent those who said they were “very similar” or “similar” with their significant other in each of the categories.

o Religion – 84%

o Politics – 85%

o Age – 89%

o Income – 70%

o Ethnicity – 87%

o Profession – 38%

o Work/life habit – 83%

o Social life – 90%

o Family orientation/closeness – 85%

What Matters Most

- When asked, which of the following characteristics was most important when searching for your significant other, respondents ranked “family orientation/ closeness” as the most important and “income” as the least important. The following percentages represent how respondents ranked each characteristic in order of importance.

o Family orientation/closeness – 44%

o Religion – 17%

o Social life – 16%

o Work life habit – 11%

o Age – 5%

o Ethnicity – 3%

o Profession – 2%

o Politics – 1%

o Income – 1%

Relationship Stages – Meeting Online vs. Offline

- When comparing respondents who met online with the ones who met their significant other offline, an interesting trend emerged. The online daters reached “relationship milestones” more quickly than those who met offline.

o Initial Dating – Online daters began dating more quickly than offline daters, with 77% saying they started dating within the first four weeks of meeting each other, compared to 50% of offline daters.

o Feeling Chemistry – More than half (55%) of all respondents said they felt chemistry with their significant other in the first two weeks. But, 30% of those who met offline said it took between “six months” and “two or more years” to feel chemistry, compared with only 5% of online daters, who were more likely to feel chemistry earlier on.

o Understanding Interests – Online daters (60%) said they had a better understanding of their significant other in the first four weeks of dating than offline daters (41%).

o Getting Exclusive – Online daters got exclusive more quickly than offline daters – 80% compared with 56% in the first three months, or 52% vs. 32% in the first month, respectively.

o Getting Family “Buy-In” – 45% of online daters got “buy-in” within three months of dating; whereas only 31% of offline daters did.

o Engagement – Online daters got engaged more quickly – more than two-thirds (70%) of online daters were engaged in less than two years, whereas more than half (55%) of offline daters got engaged after more than two years.

o Marriage – Online daters married more quickly – 38% were married within two years of engagement, while 62% of offline daters married after more than two years of being engaged.

Do You Believe in Magic?

- Love at First Sight – Two-thirds (64%) of all respondents said they didn’t experience love at first sight, with only one-third (36%) saying they were hit with Cupid’s arrow.

- Leaving it to Fate – An overwhelming 78% of people said they felt like they were fated for their significant other; 22% said it was just “pure chance.”

- First Kiss – Slightly more than half (54%) said they kissed on their first date.

- Separate Quarters? – A majority of respondents (70%) said they will live with their significant other before getting married.

This warms my heart.

Even with all of us riddled with insomnia over a widespread recession, a nationwide love and money survey by TRUE.com, the leading scientifically based online relationship service, shows that singles choose love over money even in tough economic times.

The results:

– 95 percent of men and 87 percent of women agree that it does not
matter if you make more money than the person you are dating;
– 49 percent of men and 36 percent of women stated they would not curb
their dating spending in a tight economy;
– 87 percent of men and 80 percent of women responded they would stay in
a relationship where their partner had substantial credit card debt or
had filed for bankruptcy;
– 67 percent of women and 66 percent of men claim they have never kept
financial secrets from someone they are dating;
– 64 percent of men and 63 percent of women don’t tend to argue with
their partner about money.

Of course, it’s possible 80% of these people are not telling the truth. But still, it makes me feel good to read!

TRUE.com’s love and money survey also found the following:
– Dating or Bust, We Aren’t Scared of a Recession. In good times and in bad, daters will continue their search for love. After the No. 1 response of not halting their dating spending (see above), 20 percent of women and 23 percent of men said they plan to spend less on eating out and focus more on romantic dinner dates at home. Only 2 percent of men and 1 percent of women stated that higher gas prices will affect when, where, and how they date.
– Don’t Worry, Be Happy, We Have Money. Of those surveyed, 73 percent of men and 68 percent of women feel secure in their current financial
situation. The majority of respondents, both female and male, described themselves as the following when it comes to their finances: comfortable (women 46 percent, men 52 percent), confident (women 15 percent, men 19 percent), proud (women and men both 7 percent). Only 23 percent of men and 32 percent of women characterized their present financial environment as negative, choosing from terms such as embarrassment, fright or horror to describe their finances.
– Let’s Talk About Sex — or Money. When respondents were asked what
topics couples should talk more about (including money, sex, marriage,
parenting or nothing), results show that men and women definitely have
different priorities when it comes to discussing sex or money. Men
rated: sex No. 1 at 29 percent, followed by nothing at 22 percent,
with money in third place at 21 percent. Women put money talk in the
top spot at 33 percent followed by: nothing at 29 percent, marriage
at 16 percent and sex ranking fourth at 15 percent.
– Donna Summer Knows How People Feel About Money. Because individuals love music almost as much as they love money, respondents were asked to choose which song best represents how they feel about money. An
overwhelming majority (81 percent of women and 50 percent of men)
chose the Donna Summer’s 1970s disco classic “She Works Hard for the
Money.” It also appears that more men (5 percent) than women
(2 percent) associate with Kanye West’s song “Gold Digger,” and are
looking for women to take care of their financial needs. Other
responses include:
– “Money (That’s What I Want)” sung by The Beatles (men 22 percent,
women 3 percent)
– “Bill, Bills, Bills” sung by Destiny’s Child (men 10 percent,
women 8 percent)
– “Material Girl” sung by Madonna (men 5 percent, women 4 percent)
– “It’s All About the Benjamins” sung by P. Diddy (men 9 percent,
women 2 percent)

– Women Will Stand By Their Man, But You Better Treat Them Right. Less than 1 percent of women felt they should pay for the first date, while 78 percent of men believe it was their duty to pick up the tab. Good
news for men hoping to keep more money in their wallet: 25 percent of
women polled found splitting the bill was appropriate, and 22 percent
of women thought that whoever did the asking out should take care of
the check.
– No Substitute for Good Old-Fashioned Hard Work. One-third of men and women responded they have worked a second job to get out of debt.
After a second job, singles responded they accepted money from family
and friends (women 22 percent, men 16 percent) or cashed in their
investments (women 16 percent, men 19 percent) to get back in the
black.

I’m planning to move to a new apartment next week, and I found myself thinking a few times…”If I had a boyfriend, he could help…”

I wonder what this inkling comes from. Do we want to have a mate so they will do something for us? Or is it a matter of the support that comes with companionship? Because I’d love to have someone to help to move as well.

Relationships seem to in many ways define our lives, but also are defined by our lives…and it seems that every time a big life change happens, it makes what our lives lack - and what we wish to share - all the more acute.

Well, that, and I could really use some help with that heavy lifting.

The below article was forwarded to me yesterday. It was written by Dr. Mark Rogers, facilitator of Relationship Ready a 3-day workshop designed to help singles date successfully. It raises a lot of good points, and it is something that all of us dating singles out there should take a look at.

After you are done reading, take the “Is Your Picker Broke?” QuickQuiz, and get results sent to your private email immediately:

http://www.assessmentgenerator.com/H/cRmarkrogersphd1173982975.html

The Common Denominator
In a recent Relationship Ready* workshop, an attractive, mid-30ish woman was bemoaning her history of romantic relationships. She recounted a dismal story of partners, one after another, who seemed to be perfect but turned out to have major personality flaws. Those flaws lead to her experiencing disappointment at best, abuse at worst, in a series of painfully miserable relationships, all of which had started out with the delightful euphoria of having finally found the perfect partner.
Eventually the workshop facilitator asked her, “What is the common denominator in all of those relationships?”
Listeners would not have been surprised if she had answered with some diagnosis of an underlying personality disorder in all of her partners. Her description of the relationships she’d experienced showed more than average insight, and she had obviously thought long and hard about what had happened to her. She could easily have named some common thread of dysfunction - fear of commitment, incapacity for developing emotional intimacy, a tendency towards chemical dependency - and none of us who were present would have been surprised. However, what she said shocked us all.
She was quiet for a few long moments, bowed her head, and then with tears welling up in her eyes, looked directly at the facilitator and said, “I think my picker’s broke.”
Your History of Romance
When your history of romance includes more misery than magic, more eventual pain than enduring pleasure, it’s tempting to blame your partners. It’s not that difficult to identify what’s wrong with them after the relationship ends. By that time, you can usually come up with a list of things.
Apparently however, it’s tough to tell up front, early on, during the get-to-know you phase, that a partner is going to be untrustworthy, unavailable, unreliable, uncommunicative. When they are in full-speed ahead dating mode, most partners - male and female - are putting their best feet forward. And then, when the euphoria of new love wells up within the hearts of the newly infatuated, there’s no critical assessment going on at all.
At least, not by the partners who are heady on heart-swelling. Friends and family can know better, and often they will try to dissuade their loved one from pursuing a relationship they are convinced is bad news. To no avail, of course. Opposition from friends and family only throws the new lover into the arms of the beloved, where the couple find the beleaguered relationship even more enticing.
When Your Partner Picker’s Broke
If your Partner Picking Pattern is defective, you know that the euphoric phase of romance is not a good indicator of the eventual course of the relationship.
In fact, your infatuation feelings ought to come with a Surgeon General’s warning: “Intensity and Urgency of Romantic Inclinations has been shown to be dangerous to your emotional health and mental stability. Your heart will thank you if you keep it on a tight leash to keep it from rushing headlong into the briar patch chasing any attractive rabbit that pops up.”
A defective Partner Picker won’t ring warning bells when the object of your affections displays symptoms, indicators of future problems that your friends and family can plainly see coming. If you would listen to those who love you, they could and would tell you when you’re making a bad mistake. But part of a deficient Partner Picker syndrome is becoming deaf and blind. Deaf to your friends, blind to your partner’s flaws.
If your Partner Picker’s broke, you find yourself falling blindly in love with folks you should be watching very carefully. It doesn’t feel like blindness when it’s happening, it feels like visionary clarity. But that’s just the euphoria affecting your emotional eyesight.
When your Partner Picker’s broke, you know you’ve made a mistake later on, much too later on, after the relationship has sunk some roots down into your life and heart. That’s why romance becomes such a pain-filled endeavor. You keep having to uproot relationships from the most intimate parts of who you are.
Common Conclusions
When your Partner Picker’s broke, you can look back over your history of romance and come to these common conclusions:

* I get into relationships too soon or too suddenly, as if there were powerful magnets at work.

* I don’t see - even deliberately ignore - signs that I should pay attention to, signals that the relationship is seriously flawed.

* I pick partners who have some common threads of dysfunction. There’s a pattern in my picking, and it’s not pretty.

* I don’t do it on purpose. I even try really hard not to pick partners who are bad for me. (I’m not that sick, really.) But it happens anyway.

* I’m not that attracted to partners who are good for me. There’s chemistry only with the ones who are bad for me. (Am I that sick, really?)

Bad News and Good News
If your Partner Picking Pattern is defective, there’s bad news and good news.
The bad news is that the dynamics that lead to picking bad partners run deep and don’t go away by themselves. You aren’t likely to be able to consciously affect them successfully, without doing some major work on yourself. Trying harder won’t work. Neither will feeling really bad after a relationship ends. Pain may be highly motivating, but it’s not particularly instructive in this regard.
The good news?
You can do the work on yourself. It’s really not about your partners, although it certainly looks that way. You can identify the pattern of your romantic radar and then you can retune it. That way, you won’t be attracted to or attract those partners who are bad for you. Your radar won’t ping on them, and it won’t send out a signal for them to follow to you.
The work that you need to do on yourself is maybe obvious to others, but it might not be to you. Or if it is obvious to you, you might not know how to do it. Or if you know how to do it, it feels enormously difficult to accomplish. Not just pedaling up a steep hill, it feels like climbing Mt. Everest. It’s hard work, always, and you can’t do it by yourself, hardly ever, but it IS doable. It’s only hard, not impossible. And the tasks are straightforward, if difficult.
Repairing Your Romantic Radar
To repair a broken Partner Picker - and retune your romantic radar - you need to accomplish three things:

* Identify what your dynamics (not your deliberate intentions, your underlying dynamics) are looking for.

* Reframe that search, changing it from “Finding the perfect partner” to “Fully growing myself up emotionally.”

* Begin maturing your insides, the part(s) of you that are trying to solve by partnering what can only be fulfilled by becoming an emotional adult.

If the second and the third points sound strange to you, then you are normal. Most folks don’t know - even in this highly psychologized culture - about the connections between romance and emotional development.
That connection and the steps you can take to retune your romantic radar are the central themes of Relationship Ready, Pathways’ enormously successful experience-based training for singles. If you have had enough of picking partners who turn out to be bad for you, if you have collected a critical mass of misery in romance, or if you have had your fill of friends and family doing relationship interventions on you, you deserve what you can get from Relationship Ready.

This is so frightening. Many of us wonder if we will ever marry that someone special…but perhaps the question is, are we likely to meet that person (or any), at all???

The following are the results of a recent survey by online-dating service Chemistry.com:

• 63% of single adults think that a long-term committed relationship is important for a happy and fulfilling life, a larger proportion than those who value marriage.
• 50% of U.S. adults have a different opinion of marriage than their parents.
• 58% of U.S. adults think couples who live together in a committed relationship don’t need to marry as long as they are happy.
• 78% of U.S. adults say the divorce rate in the U.S. is increasing because people get married for the wrong reasons.
• 76% of single adults disagree that marriage is a top priority for them right now.

A fun survey of 5,000 singles passed along to me from our friends at OKCupid about how they approach first dates:

- Be courteous, and wear deodorant: 46% of singles say body odor is the biggest first date no-no.

- No need for a sobriety test: 42% of singles don’t drink on a first date.

- Failure to Launch, Part II?: 27% of singles want to know right away if their date still lives with their parents.

- Loose lips, better dates?: 82% of singles would rather have a date who talks too much than doesn’t talk enough on the first date.

One of my best friends is in the bridal party of an old friend’s out-of-town wedding this weekend. Sad at the prospect of going to this event unattached, she devoted the last few months to dedicated and thorough online personals browsing, in search of who may one day become her other half.

Well, as she boarded the bus Friday to said-nuptials, her only date was destructive rain and an overpriced gown. (Not an ideal combination.)

I asked Gail Laguna, spokesperson and online dating expert for Spark Networks (JDate.com, AmericanSingles.com, HurryDate.com, ChristianMingle.com, and BlackSingles.com) for some tips on how my gal pal may avoid such a hair-frizzing fate in the future. For all of you online-love-seekers, it’s advice you may want to take note of.

1. Post recent photos. If your photos are more than a year old, they are TOO OLD. With a nice, clear close up and a smile, you’ll ensure the person they meet is the person they saw in your pictures.

2. Make your user name pop. Avoid the question: “What’s with your username?” It doesn’t have to be brilliant, but it should signify some expressive detail about what makes you YOU. Examples: TennisTime, Luv2cook, SalsaDancer.

3. Don’t sell yourself short. You don’t have to summarize your life in one cliché sentence. “I am passionate about music, movies and walks on the beach,” is too generic. The first line of your “About Me” section should be interest-grabbing and unique to YOU.

4. Offer some encouragement. Often Mr. or Ms. Right just needs a little nudge in the right direction. End your essay with an invitation to contact you. The key is to come off approachable, or else your potential matches will be intimidated.

5. Avoid negatives in your profile. Nobody likes a bitter baggage Betty! Keep your profile positive and upbeat to avoid looking like damaged goods.

6. Follow your leads. Go to your inbox and reopen all of your email, E-cards and Flirts, and reconnect with those people that even connected with you only once.

7. Get personal. Send a personalized note to that person who caught your eye to show you really read their profile. It’s so much easier than walking up to a stranger in a bar!

8. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Fact: there are fabulous people with lame profiles and less-than-perfect pictures. By staying open-minded, you will be able to give potential matches the benefit of the doubt. When in doubt, weigh the pros and cons. You don’t want to pass over a diamond in the rough!

9. Cut to the chase, instant message. Connect with someone in real time. Check your hotlist and see who is online or go to the chat room and join the party.

10. Be proactive. Just like a work-out schedule, set aside 20-40 minutes a day to answer emails, fix up your profile, and send emails and E-cards. If you think there’s no time, keep in mind that you would dedicate at least 20-30 minutes a day to a significant other…so carve out that time now!

As for my friend, I still have high hopes for her. Everyone knows the best place to hook up is a wedding!

Men of the world, you can learn something from fish.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/233874_fishsex25.html

According to an expert at the University of Washington, a select bunch of deep-sea-dwelling fish engage in “sexual parasitism” — a phenomenon in which tiny male fish latch onto relatively gigantic females, melding into them — and they stay intertwined this way for life.

Brings new meaning to “You Complete Me,” doesn’t it?

Not too long ago, I did a piece for SheKnows on the power of pheromones and other physical/chemical attractants in the mating game.

We probably all grew up with dads who had a Playboy stash, or moms who would giggle over television hunks. (Desperate Housewives was coined for a reason!) And we all remember the episode of Friends that called upon the The List of Five — the concept being you’re entitled to come up with a list of five celebrities who, in the unlikely event you were ever able to hook up with them, you would be forgiven (by your significant other) for said hook up.

These threads all come from different fabrics, but they are related to the concept of attraction and fantasy - and I think that’s just fine. Fantasies add excitement to what can be a pretty doldrum routine, and as long as never acted on, are harmless. In fact, I will go as far as to say they are beneficial.

If you have been in a relationship for several years, things while sweet and fun may start to feel a little routine. But when you start developing a crush on someone else, you are instantly reminded of your own sensuality. You have hotter dreams, you get those sudden tingly feelings of anticipation that you know you won’t follow through on, and that makes then even the more naughty and exciting. You know you don’t actually want to be with this person for real. But isn’t it still fun?

Crushes can spice up your fantasy life, which can be just the fuel your relationship needs to get hot (or hotter). Plus, a little window into your own sexiness may make you feel more confident with your mate - which will bode well for your relationship. You’ll smile more, you’ll steam up faster - and as long as it stays an innocent mental exercise and never enters reality - may just be a dose of healthy fuel.

As for “the list” - the list of five freebies - cheating loopholes, if you will - I wonder how many of us actually have such a concept jotted down - and who would actually follow through with it?