Whether it’s birthdays or anniversaries or Christmas, gift-giving (do’s and don’ts) is a big part of a happy relationship.

What is the best gift you ever got from a romantic partner? What is the *worst* gift you’ve ever gotten?

Whether it’s signing a card “love always” and receiving one that says “from”, or giving something personal and heartfelt and receiving pruning shears (when you lack a garden), a gift’s significance can play a big role in your relationship’s significance.

Shallow much? Not really. It’s not a question of a gift’s monetary value, or even what the object is - but it permeates understanding of each other on a level that should exist within a relationship.

Last year, a good friend was dating her current boyfriend for just over a month when he got her a wii. She was overwhelmed. It was soon for that sort of gift - but at the same time, it showed that she was significant. She, thinking he was a new guy, and not wanting to scare him away had gotten him something small and impersonal. Again, gift significance.

It’s not necessary to spend a lot or buy a lot or receive a lot - but pay attention to what you get, and how it’s presented. It can say a lot about where your future may be headed.

A recent study says that we can correctly figure out what a stranger is thinking 20% of the time…and what a romantic partner is thinking 35% of the time.

I guess this is a matter of half-full/half-empty…an interesting question would be what percentage of the time do we correctly understand ourselves and our own thoughts?

Not nearly all the time. In fact, maybe not even half. This makes the 35% sound pretty darn sweet.

In all seriousness, we can be in a relationship over a course of years, and often still feel not entirely connected - and it’s sometimes, I think, based on my initial thought - that we really aren’t comfortably connected to ourselves. How can we get anyone else?

I do call into question the guessing 20% of the time correctly about strangers. How can that *possibly* be true?

It’s super hard not to give in to the temptation to make this a negative post, because, let’s face it - being single sort of can suck at times. It’s the events you feel like a sore thumb at because you don’t have a date and all your single-guy-friends were busy. It’s the Valentines Days and New Years Eve that you spent home with your dog. It’s the sitting around with their girlfriends, as they talk about their miserable relationships, and finding yourself JEALOUS.

Yes, being single can suck. It’s why a lot of people stay in bad relationships. I have a friend who has broken up with her boyfriend more times this year alone than I’ve gone shoe shopping. (Um, that’s a lot.) They are still together. Are they happy? I don’t think so. But when push comes to shove, they both fear the alternative.

That’s not to say this is a healthy way of living. To love oneself, and be happy with oneself is paramount before being happy with anyone else. We all claim to know this, and appreciate this. Yet, we keep on finding excuses to ignore this and be sad that we are alone. Sad we have no one to cuddle with or smooch with or just feel in sync with.

But, guess what? It’s times like that that we must remind ourselves of all the awesome things about our lives:

1 - Single people don’t have to “check” with their other half about plans. They want to do something, they make a plan. No one else’s schedule matters.

2 - Want to not shave your legs? Feel like leaving the bed unmade? Well, chances are no one will see it, it doesn’t matter!  (Note, this is not an excuse for forgoing hygiene. Then you will just *stay* single.)

3 - Loving yourself! Date yourself for a bit! Take yourself out to dinner, watch TV, listen to the music you want - get to know yourself and what you like so you’ll know what you want and need and like before you STOP being single.

This list is hard to make. As a single, I am trained to not want to be single, and thus, shun all the “good” things about it. But they are out there - and the sooner you remind yourself of that, the less likely you are to jump into (or back into) the next crappy relationship.

Suave as we may attempt to appear, the truth is, most of us are still the same shy guys and gals we were in grade school. Initial meetings and conversations are hard: We get hung up on our looks, their looks, body language, our breath, their breath, whether they will judge us for not knowing the difference between a brew and a hop…

The internet provides a great opportunity though to put our best self forward without a lot of the in-the-moment anxiety. Say something dumb? Hit the delete key and try again. As if we could do that in *real* conversations. With some of the fear and inhibitions out of the way, conversation will flow better and easier, and chemistry can become apparent. Is it necessarily an indicator that it will transcend to real life? Maybe not. But it’s a sign that the potential is there to be tapped.

My mom has a theory that men don’t mature past the age of 12. I choose to disagree, because some of my favorite minds are of the male persuasion. That said, even they have their quirks.

I am beginning to think though that the few defy this categorization are just lucky, and the the majority are, well, pretty damn damaged.

Case in point: A friend texted me last night while I was out to dinner. She was devastated.

Apparently, her boyfriend of about two years invited her over Wednesday night, where they shared a bottle of champagne, made dinner together, and she spent the night. It was romantic, they had a great time, (for the record, they had a great time *twice*), and then in the morning they said their goodbyes and went to work.

By about lunch time, she received a text from him (a text!) that he needed to experience “being alone” for a while and wanted space, and they could arrange some time this weekend for her to collect the stuff she had at his place. No warning, no argument, he just “wants to be alone”.

Apparently, his best friend recently became single, and thus he now had the option for them to be single guys together. For some reason, this seems to motivate men - positively and negativity - we’ve noticed before in our own crowd. Men love to be coupled when their friends are coupled, but the vice-versa is just as true.

So, the message here? If you have one of the good ones, hold on to him. But be careful, sometimes the good ones can suddenly jump up and bite you in the ass as well. (And not in the good way…alas.)

As I sat astride my window seat at my favorite coffee house, I watched as a hipster couple sat on the bench outside. Sharing a gourd of Yerba Mate and donning skinny jeans with indie rock t-shirts, they sported matching fuchsia highlights and openly cuddled.

Across the way, nestled on a Tea Lounge couch, was a girl sitting herself. A few minutes passed, and a man enters, they hug awkwardly and sit, beginning to make small talk. As I (accidentally) listen in on their conversation, I realize I am a fly on the wall for *a first date*!

And then I hear the best words of all, “So, how’s JDate working out for you?” Holy grail, my friends: I got to be in on the in-person meeting of two JDaters. I have an old friend obsessed with this site, adding to the possible-comedy of this moment, and so I just had to IM her. She immediately demanded a total physical description of said man, any info I could get on his age/career, and if possible, a name and approximate neighborhood of dwelling. I swear, I could hear her fingers rushing across the keys, throwing herself in to the JDate search engine, as we chatted.

This friend of mine is somewhat obsessed with finding the perfect Jewish boy (preferably with real estate and a six-figure salary) to meet, marry, and mate with - ideally before she turns 30. As she just turned 29, the matter has become one of some urgency, and now her driving force in life - before career, friendship, or even shopping - is to get her man asap. Consequently, many of our recent conversations have gone something like this:

Friend: Aly, oh my god, where have you been?

Me: Right here…?

Friend: I haven’t talked to you in ages! We absolutely must go out and catch up.

Me: OK! Sure.

Friend: I have the perfect plan. There’s a Purim extravaganza this Sunday night at a mansion in Harlem. It’s only $40 a person!

Me: Um…I think I’ll pass.

Friend: Well, there’s another one this Wednesday. You have to go to one of them.

Me: What do you get for the $40?

Friend: Uh…entry?

I pass, and friend who desperately missed me five minutes ago then closes out our G-chat. Apparently, our experience at last year’s Chanukah party by this organization was not enough to dissuade her (we paid $30 each to enjoy a buffet of soggy latkas. We then were so hungry, we had to go out for sushi. Interestingly, it wasn’t kosher.).

I think that such ridiculous demands and requirements upon ourselves - must marry by 30, meet a Jewish guy (or whatever), have 2.5 kids and a dog by 32, just sets ourselves up for disappointment - and desperation. And what happens? You end up on an IRT train to Harlem on a Sunday night wearing your Purim masque, cash in hand - knowing ultimately you’ll be just as disappointed as you were with every other lame party. (And she is. She leaves every such event in bitter tears, swearing them off forevermore. Until the next one.)

As for the pair in the Tea Lounge, sadly the coffee date did not go well for them. After about 40 minutes of lapses in conversation and nervous laughter, they went their separate ways…and probably back to update their perspective JDate profiles.

All to be that fuchsia-highlighted couple on the front bench.

A lot of relationship strife, whether you are together a month or 10 years, is about money. And a lot of it comes down to….who brings home that bacon. (er…apologies to non-carnivores)

The truth is, as the world evolves, relationships do. While 100 years ago, it may have been unheard of for a woman to earn more than ‘her man’, it is now a very real possibility. However, with this adjustment to the status quo becomes age-old stereotypes. Men are the breadwinners, the dominant force, they bring the bacon.

Whatever. My kind of man prefers not to eat bacon and is completely OK with ‘his woman’ earning it all the same.

Last year for my birthday, a close friend of mine gave me a Deepak Chopra work in order to introduce me to his teachings and philosophies. Since then, I’ve learned a lot, including the following quote attributed to him:

“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It’s very important to be aware of them every time they come up.”

The need to earn more, be “better”, and have control are just that — ego. And while an idea of self and self-importance is important, ego has no place in an equal relationship. Neither does attention to who has the better gig or paycheck. Contribute as equals, be equals, and the relationship can survive. Care that Sam makes more than Sally (or Sally more than Sam), and you are probably doomed anyway.

This past fall, my year-old Shih Tzu, Lily, was in heat. Initially, as she went through the throes of her period (do dogs call it that?), she was very much the picture of a typical menstruating female, from the ravenous appetite to the ferocious mood swings. At one point, Frankie, our Yorkshire Terrier, yelped at her just a little too much. She smacked his head into the water bowl.

We’ve all been there.

Then, she began her standing heat phase. Suddenly, sweet little Lily was a bitch on the prowl. She coyly  lifted her tail, dancing suggestively in Frankie’s face. At one interval, she attempted to solicit some puppy lovin’ by nibbling at his back hair…and then down below. Frankie was, well, annoyed. He ignored her, he turned his head, he walked away. Lily, embarrassed and rejected, hid under the kitchen table, bowing her furry head in regret. (And maybe plotting revenge.)

We’ve all been there, too.

The very next day, Lily was still avoiding Frankie, somehow the war of the sexes eclipsing nature’s instincts. Frankie, however, had woken up and smelled the  progesterone. Ready to embrace his role as stud, he was butt=sniffing and fluffy-white-puppy-mounting with no hesitation. Lily, excited to receive the attention of her intended, forgot all about the prior day’s cruel abandonment and was putty in his hands…er…paws. This went on all day, and all the next day, until Lily - ever willing to embrace nature’s cue - just got tired. she pointedly lowered her butt, rejecting Frankie’s advances.

He began to cry. (What a turn on.)

We’ve been there, as well.

Lily, perhaps in a desire to get some sleep and have him stop his piercing whine, acquiesced, and the marathon sex continued. (Who knew Yorkies were such stallions?)

Granted, we are on different rungs in the animal kingdom, but their struggle begets a larger issue of equality and partnerships within relationships. Lily and Frankie’s love (um, lust) illustrates a certain sector of that phenomenon to an interesting degree. Do we feel the need to downplay our own wants and desires in order to satisfy our mate’s emotional (or physical) needs? In doing so, do we actually ourselves create the situation where our self-value is lessened, thus perpetuating insecurity over issues about who makes more money or has the better position? Does it all start with the game of who wags whose tail?